Shut Up and Dig (Cigar Smoke 8-14-08)

I’m just sitting here at my desk trying to get over being ridiculed by my son-in-law for putting my cell phone number on my cell phone. Yes, I made a little label from my little label-maker and I put the phone number right there on the damn cell phone. What can I tell you, I’m a bad seed. (At least I don’t have my computer password pasted onto my computer like a lot of you clueless bad seed readers out there. Admit it. You do it.)

OK, let’s talk about energy and oil. Hey, don’t you dare run away. We’ve got to talk about this. Let’s be different. Let’s be adults.

I just cannot believe that we are in the predicament we are in with gas prices and other energy issues. Though the Republicans have had their share of dopey energy policies, I just have to lay most of the blame on the Democrats. For the past 40 years or so, Democrats have stopped almost every plan to drill for new oil and build much-needed new refineries and take advantage of nuclear power.

Of course, they mask this foot-dragging strategy with environmental red herrings. Whenever they talk about not drilling in ANWAR up in Alaska, I just want to hurl. Have you ever been to ANWAR? No, I know you haven’t. Well, I have. Well, to be honest, I haven’t been actually on the ground there. I’m not that stupid. But I have flown over it. And let me tell you, there is nothing there.

Unless you count snow and frozen tundra and ice and a few very cold-ass caribou as something, there is basically nothing at ANWAR. Hell, if you made this a national park, you wouldn’t get 1,000 visitors in 100 years. I am telling you you can fly for hours (yes, hours) around ANWAR in any direction and you will see nothing but frozen stuff. Alaska is a big damn place. It’s half as big as the whole US. We can use a couple thousand acres to get oil. And the caribou will probably nestle up to a new ANWAR pipeline like they do near the Alaskan Pipeline now to get a little warmth. Come on, I’m not saying we should tear out Old Faithful and drill in Yellowstone. But ANWAR? It’s a no-brainer.

And dammit, let’s build some new oil refineries. We haven’t built a new refinery for something like 30 years now. That’s literally crazy. I guess the Democrats and environmentalists just think we’re going to get all our energy from solar panels and windmills and riding bicycles. Give me a break. I’m not against those things. But they shouldn’t be the only things we do for energy. The next time you pay $4.89 for a gallon of gas, say thanks to your friendly neighborhood Democrat, and pedal off on your bike to go home to your windmill. Oh, did you just hear that? Listen. It’s the Arabs laughing at us.

And nuclear power plants. It is unbelievable that we haven’t built any new nuclear power plants for decades. The environmentalists have us so scared that there will be another Three Mile Island meltdown that we’re just paralyzed. Of course, that was horrible, but technology has improved. Hell, countries like France get most of their energy from nuclear power. And you would think that Democrats would follow in France’s esteemed footsteps because Democrats shove France in our face every other second when it comes to foreign policy or Bush hating. Democrats love France except when it comes to nuclear power. I’m just the opposite. I don’t care much for France, but I think these commie pinkos are dead-on right about using nuclear power.

Aren’t you all just getting a tad bit tired of hearing the Democrats whining about big oil companies? It’s just so bizarre to me. Democrats just ignore obvious economic realities like that little old supply and demand problem. Do they even know that China and India and Russia and Korea etc. etc. are using incredible amounts of oil, which increases the demand for oil, and what do you know, the prices go up. Wow. Who would have thunk it?

And do they know that big oil companies are made up of little people in the stock market? Sure, a lot of oil execs are getting rich, but most of the oil money is being made by little old ladies who have mutual funds with oil stocks in their portfolios. And schools and universities and unions all have substantial amounts of their investments in oil. Something like 60 percent of Americans have an interest in oil. Doesn’t that matter?

And did you hear that mental giant from Nevada, Harry Reid, a few weeks ago? He said that oil is making us sick. How does that little roach (sorry, I don’t mean to give roaches a bad name) come up with stuff like that? If it wasn’t just so god-awful damn lame stupid I would laugh.

Has good ole Harry thought about this? Oil and coal have probably been the biggest contributors to health and well-being in our lifetime. OK, maybe electricity is first. I’ll give you that. But big bad oil and dirty old coal have been huge. Without gas for our trucks we would not have been able to carry lumber to the entire country to build homes. We would not have been able to get food to everyone. We couldn’t have gotten clothes to people. We would not have been able to get medical supplies to hospitals. There are thousands of things we are better off for because we have oil. Hell, even the environmentalists who go to their protest meetings to save the trees usually drive.

Well, I’m tired of ranting. I think I’ll go do what Democrats hate even more than oil. I think I’ll go have a smoke.

Contact former Pasadena Weekly Publisher Jim Laris at jim.laris@mac.com