Have an Enlarged Prostate? Urine Big Trouble. (Cigar Smoke 7-1-10)

OK, I know this problem doesn’t affect most of you small-prostated people and all of you non-prostated female people, but for us enlarged-prostated guys, it’s, well, it’s a pisser.

We now have something we officially think about more than sex. Yes, urination is now the king. It passed thinking about sports without looking over its shoulder, and now has taken over the top slot in old guy thoughts.

I’ll be on the end of the couch watching the World Cup (I’m kidding, of course) and I’ll get up and Archie the Airedale will instantly get up in anticipation of something fun, and I will head off to the bathroom, and Archie will sink down in disappointment. Ten minutes later I will get up off the couch and Archie the Mensa Airedale will again jump up to follow me down the hall for some serious fun, only to be crushed again when I go into the bathroom.

This goes on, maybe 30 times a day. Marge tells me this is the only way I get any exercise, and that I am keeping Archie in great shape, too. I mention that a little spousal abuse would be a pretty good workout, too, but I don’t have time for that. I have to go pee.

A bigger problem with this damn enlarged prostate deal is that it doesn’t just happen at home where I have access to a toilet bowl that cringes when it sees me coming. No, it happens everywhere. I will be in the car and my enlarged friend will rear its pissy head and I will have to find a bathroom — fast. So I have had to scout out all the places I can shoot into that have a public bathroom that I can borrow without looking like a homeless guy who molests orphans.

My two favorite water-delivery holes are at McDonald’s and Starbucks. At McDonald’s I take the side entrance, and while everyone else is ordering Big Macs and Quarter Pounders and some psycho is getting a salad, I am slipping into the unlocked bathrooms to feel good about myself and think life is worth living for a few short precious moments. It makes me happy just writing about it. Oh, excuse me a second, I have to go pee.

I’m back. The second great place to pee is at Starbucks. Their bathrooms are always at the back of the store, and you can walk in like you’re a real customer with the intention of buying an over-priced cup of coffee and nobody will give you any grief if you stop at the bathroom because they are even more health conscious than the AMA. You can go tinkly-poo and pop back out to your car without buying anything and life is semi-good.

One time a manager at Starbucks saw me coming out of the bathroom as I was heading for the door and he looked at me funny. I knew he was thinking, “Who the hell washes their hands after they have their coffee?” So I preemptively said, “Left my wallet in my car. Be right back.” When I got to my car, I looked back, and he was still looking at me. So when I drove past him I yelled out the window, “Left my wallet at home. Be right back.”

But at least I am not the only guy to have this problem. Most of my non-commie buddies seem to be going through the same thing. A friend of mine came to visit a few weeks ago, and when I came to the door, I was about to say, “Hey, Big Guy, what’s happening?” and he flew right by me and said, ‘I have to pee!” Hadn’t seen the guy in two years. When he came out of the bathroom, he said, “Sorry, I just couldn’t wait.” I told him to shut the hell up, I had to go pee.

We sat down to shoot the shit. “Hey, Dribbles, where you been peeing lately?” “Oh, lot of cool places, Mr. Tinkle. I’ve just discovered grocery store bathrooms hidden back behind the produce section. Those are pretty cool.” “Yeah, those are OK. But if you really want to have some fun, I like to jump those Dutch door gates and burst past an old Chinese woman in a donut shop and use the bathrooms that aren’t supposed to be there.” “Yeah, wish I had the guts.” “You always were a wuss.”

“Hey Dribs, you got any good urine puns?” “If you have an enlarged prostate, urine good company.” “I guess urine old hand at these puns, huh, MT?” “Yup, don’t stand in the hall, baby, because when I have to pee, urine the way.”
Oh, the fun we had. We laughed so hard we had to pee — into our Depends.