Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Larry David Syndrome (Cigar Smoke 5-21-09)

You guys like Larry David? To me, he’s one of the funniest guys around (even if he does have two first names). Obviously, the “Seinfeld” stuff was great, but I liked him even more in his own show, “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” That damn show used to make me weak. I’d be laughing so hard that I had to wear diapers — over my nose. I would be snot-snorting, baby.

In case some of you excuses-for-qualified-readers still can’t quite remember who Larry David is, he’s the lanky bald dude who is seemingly neurotic but who I think has his head on pretty straight. He notices things that most people miss, and not only does he notice them, he acts on them. Not only does he act on what he notices, but he can’t not act on what he notices. If Shakespeare wrote “Hamlet” for Larry he would have had him say, “To be or to be, what is the question?”

Well, I’ve always had a little Larry in me. I do tend to notice weird stuff and find myself not quite able to let things go. The other day I go into a Starbucks to get a regular black coffee (which they had to send out for), and when I get my coffee and am about to sit down I notice that the little table I’m about to sit at has a checkerboard/chess game grid painted on the top of it. Yes, I was hesitant. My mind flashed to Larry and Hamlet arm wrestling.

Anyway, I’ve got my crusty cinnamon roll in one hand and my coffee in my other hand and I look around and notice that there are no free tables around. People are sitting at every table — except for the table with the checkerboard/chess layout painted on it. There is one table for four with one guy sitting there. I could have joined him, but I am not the social type. I can’t even come up with things to say to my friends. What the hell would I say to a latte stranger? Had any good mocha lately?

Well, I really wanted to have my coffee and cinnamon roll, so I asked myself, very quietly, “What would Larry do?” And, of course, I instantly knew what the answer was. I put my coffee and the roll on the checkerboard/chess grid on the table and said in a rather startlingly loud voice, “Excuse me, Starbucks coffee drinkers. May I have your attention? Please stop sipping your beverages for a few seconds.” The place went dead quiet.

I raised my hands up to try to reassure them that I wasn’t carrying an Uzi and that they shouldn’t be alarmed, and continued. “I am about to sit down at this table which has a checkerboard/chess layout on it and I just want to make sure that none of you are about to play a game of checkers or chess. I just don’t think it would be right if you were really wanting to play checkers, say, and some jerk-off such as myself just sat down at the official checkerboard table with no intention of playing checkers or chess. It just wouldn’t be fair. And I want you to know that I know it wouldn’t be fair, and if I sat there and didn’t say anything I would feel guilty and I would think you were looking at me with justifiable disdain.

“And because I am a person who does not handle public displays of disdain all that well, I thought I should just be upfront and see if any of you had plans to use the chess table before I just assumed you didn’t and sat there. Well, I am asking you now. Do any of you want to use the checkerboard/chess table?”

If possible, the room became even quieter than before. All you could hear were the thoughts of people wishing they hadn’t been born. I went on.

“Because of your silence I can only assume that none of you wish to play either checkers or chess at this time and that the table is free for me to use without even any glimmer of guilt. Is that correct? Have I made the correct assumption? I don’t see any little boxes of checkers. Anybody carrying a case of chessmen? I am going to sit down right now. Any problems with me sitting here?

I am pulling the chair back? I don’t hear anyone. I’m sitting down. Thank you for your time and attention. Please continue sipping your coffee or the other flavorful drink you have purchased. This checkerboard/chess announcement is now over. Thanks again. Appreciate your time. Take care.”

As I sat there at the checkerboard table enjoying my guiltless cup of coffee, I got to wondering. Why are checkerboards and chessboards the same? Same number of rows. Same number of columns. Even the squares are the same size. What kind of crap is that? Are Scrabble boards the same as Monopoly boards? Just what is going on here? I stood up again and said, “Excuse me, excuse me. One more thing, everybody …”

I think Larry would have been proud.