Thursday, December 17, 2009

Giving the Gift That Never Starts Giving (Cigar Smoke 12-17-09)

I try to give good gifts at Christmas time. In fact, most people think I am very trying. Last year I asked someone who had received a gift from me how they liked it. And they said, “You are very trying.”

Like I was saying, I usually give pretty good gifts. But I do have a tendency to push Santa’s chunky envelope just a little. A couple of years ago I gave someone in our extended family a gift that I didn’t know what it was until after she got it. Really. I bought this kind of psycho-looking funky metal art object with arms reaching to Pomona kind-of-statue thing. At the time, I felt a little uneasy buying it, but I thought it looked pretty cool so I pulled the Visa on it.

Then when the unbelievably happy recipient of the gift opened it, she was very excited. She said, “Wow! I’ve always wanted a jewelry butler.” I am not kidding you. I had purchased a jewelry butler not knowing jewelry butlers even existed. She asked me where I found this and I had to tell her the truth — that I had searched the Internet for months and talked to jewelry experts around the country until I had found just the perfect jewelry butler I knew she would love. (Please don’t tell me what a jewelry butler does. I don’t want to know. My ignorance and I are very happy together.)

I admit I do try to give gifts that are a little off the beaten track. I like to give gifts that nobody would ever give themselves. I look for gifts out in left field, just north of the power alleys. Once Robert Frost told me one of my gifts was on a road that shouldn’t even be considered.

Yes, I am the guy who gives you that purple elephant footrest. I can’t think of a better way to rest your tired feet than propping them up on the back of a foot stool that looks like an elephant, a purple elephant. You know you wouldn’t buy that for yourself.

I once gave a newlywed couple I knew a Christmas gift of a power drill. I thought to myself, just how many pretty, useful things can one couple use. So I sprang for a Black & Decker beauty that could drill through cement, and I’ll never forget what the wife said to me after she opened it: “When did you get out of prison?” You talk about a moment of Christmas joy.

But last year something very unusual happened. I was visiting the house of someone whom I had given what I thought was a really nice gift and, hot damn, they actually had it in their kitchen and were actually using a gift that I had actually given. Actually. It was incredible.

I said, “Do you remember the wonderfully thoughtful person who gave you this stunning gift?” The woman whom I had asked, at first, tried to not tell me who it was, but I held her down near the sink and had my knee on her apron-covered upper torso until she said, “You did. You did. Thank you. Stop.” I said, “Yes, it was me who gave you that cool gift. Thank you for remembering.”

I had given them one of those combo coffee pot and tea-water-heating units that lets you use individual packets of specialty coffee or tea packets to make your own favorite beverage. That way everyone in your family can have just the right drink for themselves. It’s just so modern and efficient and cool (almost snazzy) that I feel like breaking out into a break dance. That reminds me; a few years ago I gave my 80-year-old uncle some break-dancing lessons. He made it to the lesson where he spins on his head in the kitchen. His widow never forgave me for that one.

But that combo coffee-brewing baby was a hit. I just love going over there when they throw a little party and walking among the coffee- and tea-drinking guests. Everyone is getting the exact drink they want and love and need. A latte. A mint tea. A cappuccino imotatte. An English tea. A Chinese tea. A Chai tea. A NestlĂ©’s cocoa packet some little fart neighbor kid snuck in. It just makes my Christmas heart sing.

Speaking of Christmas singing, I bought our family a wonderful gift many years ago and it still is the most joyous gift we as a family have ever received, (although, technically, because I was the one who gave it, I don’t know if I can receive it, too. In the spirit of the season, let’s just say I can.)

Anyway, I gave the family a Christmas ornament that is painted a bright and shiny Tijuana gold, and if I say so myself, it is quite beautiful. It’s a gold metal ornament that looks like Elvis. Looks just like him. Right down to the drug injection marks on his arms. The detail is amazing. And not only does it look great, it plays two of his Christmas songs — “Blue Christmas” and something else we can’t make out. And get this. The batteries are still going. The same batteries it came with 10 years ago. It makes me want to cry.

My family feels the same way.