Stay-Cation Alternative (Cigar Smoke 8-7-08)

Well, I guess you guys have all heard about this new thing they call the stay-cation. You know, like a vacation only you stay at home. With gas prices going through the roof and spending money getting hard to find, I have decided to provide a travel service to you, my columnar friends.

Here’ s what I think you should do to put a little zip back in your zipless life. And all the while keeping your wallet more zipped, too.

I suggest you take a 90-minute, 90-mile cation. No, it doesn’ t quite slip off the tongue like a vacation or even a stay-cation, but I can assure you it works because I just damn did it, baby. Me and my credit card had a ball. Yes, I went alone — you don’ t have to do what the other person wants and, of course, it costs roughly half as much.

I went to the Pechanga Indian Resort and Casino in Temecula. It’ s only 90 miles away and takes 90 minutes to get there. So, assuming gas costs, say, $4.75 a gallon and your miserable car gets 20 miles per gallon, that means you’ ll use four and half gallons of gas, which will run you about $21. So that will be a total of $42 for gas. Big deal. Even you can afford that.

So why did I go to Pechanga? Well, I like the words Pechanga and Temecula. They sound like places in a foreign country and look weird on a map. By the way, have you ever heard of the Pechanga Indians? Who the hell are those guys? Why couldn’ t we have major league Indians out here like the Apache or the Sioux or the Cherokee. The Pechangas? Can you imagine John Wayne being incensed by an Indian named Sitting Pechanga?

I kid the Pechangas. They have a pretty cool resort out there. I went there to see a boxing match and play blackjack and video poker and sit at a table where it said Moo Goo Gai Pan Poker or something. I asked the dealer what it meant and he said, “In Chinese it means an efficient way for us to take your money without you knowing what the rules are and not understanding the language enough to complain.”

I’ m getting ahead of myself again. Actually, the first thing I did when I got there was eat a late lunch/early dinner at their café. I ordered a pulled pork sandwich, this big pile of pulled pork sitting on a giant bun covered in barbecue sauce one inch high. That scared me a little. And then it had lettuce, onion and tomato on the other huge bun. Plus French fries and cole slaw that looked like it had died a slow, gasping mayonnaise death.

Well, I ate that whole damn meal. Let me just say, it did not taste all that great. The only thing I can remember in my life that tasted worse was something I had at a fraternity initiation. Something raw where two guys were holding me down. Hey, it was not good. I kid the pulled pork.

I only mention this culinary experience to help you save money. Yes, the sandwich cost me $9.95, but it stopped me from eating for the rest of the trip — and two more days after I got home. I’ m telling you, you eat that sucker and you and your stomach are taking separate flights, baby.

After the sandwich, I went to see some boxing. I love to go to these semi-hokey boxing matches where you can get ringside seats pretty cheap and have a chance of getting a little fighter blood splashed on you. But say you don’ t like boxing. On Wednesday nights they have a comedy club. Three unknown comics tell three people three bad jokes for the price of three drinks. So that’ s only another nine bucks. And knowing you guys, there’ s not too much leftover.

And maybe you play a little video poker or maybe you go to the lounge and listen to oldies but goodies sung by people who are younger but not so good. And you stay there until your pulled pork pulls off a rebellion in your colon or wherever the hell it has invaded. And the important point is all this enjoyment and all this fun is what? It is cheap.

So you have now had one full day of incredible 90-minute 90-mile Cation Fun. And it’ s only gonna cost you about 60 damn dollars! That’ s pretty dang cheap. Comes out to about five bucks an hour for 12 hours of Pechangian fun.

One disclaimer. You’ re probably tired after all that fun, and you’ ve had, maybe six drinks, and you’ re too damn cheap to stop at a Motel 6, so coming home you might rear-end a Chevy Blazer just north of Lake Elsinore on the 15, and OK, maybe when the cop comes over to see if you are alive you might hurl some pulled pork chunks onto his badge and say, “Sorry, officer. Code 7.” And yes, maybe the cost to fix your car and make bail and have stomach surgery could add up to more than the aforementioned $60.

But you did have fun didn’ t you? Cheap fun. You ingrate.

Contact former Pasadena Weekly Publisher Jim Laris at jim.laris@mac.com