That May Be Stretching It a Little (Cigar Smoke 5-20-10)

OK, I know it may not be possible for you guys to resent me more. Let’s just say that something incredibly wonderful has recently happened to me that should cement your previous resentment.

Of course, in the past you have resented me for my lanky body. What can I say? God has graced me with litheness. You are just going to have to work that one out yourselves.

And I know you admire me for my political views and my general wisdom. And I know you don’t like me because I have a better dog than you do. And my sincere, well-deserved humbleness probably turns you off, too.

But most of all, I know you resent me because I am retired and I don’t have to work anymore and can sleep in and do what I want and take meaningless trips to even more meaningless places. Yet you still have to work and make money and deal with blood-popping stress levels and read my bullshit week after week. You still have kids and families and spouses to provide for and you can’t quite believe you’re still reading about someone who’s biggest concern in life is getting up in the morning and trying to figure out what day of the week it is.

Now, after saying all that, something so wonderful just happened to me that I almost hesitate to tell you what it is. But, what the hell, your mental health has never really meant all that much to me before. And I’m going to say it fast, so sit down, maybe with a loved one, or take a shot of Chivas or grab your Teddy bear. Are you ready?

OK, here it is: I had an incredibly wonderful experience with the cable company.

I’ll give you a minute. Just relax, count to 10, chill out. Just accept the fact that some people are meant to have things that you will never have. Just let that burning resentment drain from your brain. Let it go through your ulcer-ridden stomach and through tortured rectal areas and eventually seep out of your toes, on to your carpet.

Yes, a few days ago my cable went out on me. I could not get any premium channels. (And you thought your life was tough.) There was no way I could live with only basic cable, so I called up Charter. The woman who took my call was so damn nice I asked her if I had the wrong number. She laughed, and I said, “Where’s the usual bitch who doesn’t give a shit? She on vacation?”

The nice Charter lady told me to turn off my cable box and then restart it. I looked over at the shelf next to my TV. There was a TiVo receiver, a DVD player, an old VHS recorder, some Bose Surround Sound stuff, four speakers, a WiFi transmitter and a phone doohickey that put the phone number on the TV screen. The shelf looked like a damn Fry’s store.

I confessed to the lady that I needed a Boy Scout troop to help me find my cable box. She laughed again. I asked her if she would like a job as a column reader. She laughed. I hired her.

Eventually, she delicately told me that maybe she should send a technician out to help me. “Would this afternoon be OK?” This afternoon? I couldn’t believe it. Same-day service at the cable company. You think I’m a Charter-ass rookie? I double-checked. “Didn’t you mean to ask me if the third week in June would be OK?” She laughed. I gave her a raise.

That afternoon, a half-hour before the appointment, I got a call from Charter asking me if it was OK if the technician arrived early. Early?! I thought one of my commie friends was jerking me around.

Nope. The nicely dressed, well-groomed and polite young man inquired as to how my day was going, and he asked me where my cable box was. I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.” I don’t know how he found it, but he did. And he got me my premium channels back. One day without the NHL playoffs on Versus — I don’t know how I lived through it.

He smiled and said, “Anything else I can help you with, sir?” “Probably not,” I whined. But I pissily mentioned to him that I had another TV in my office that I’d had for four years and I hadn’t been able to hook it up to cable. “I’d be happy to take a look, sir.”

He looked. And told me all I needed was a splitter to go from my cable modem on my computer to the other TV set. I said, “Sounds good, but you probably don’t have a splitter with you, huh?” “Got one right here, sir.”

He hooks up the splitter. And says, “Oh, you’ll need a new cable box, too.” I said, “Probably have to order that? On back order, huh?” “No, sir, got one in my truck. Be right back.”

He comes back. Sets it all up. I blurt out, “OK, hit me with the bad news. How much is all this gonna cost me?” He chirps, “Only $5 a month.”

I sat down at my desk and quietly wept. I sobbed out, “You Charter people are the best! This is the best day of my life! My readers are going to have green poo poo.”

He said, “Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?”

I hesitated, and didn’t want to press my luck, but I said, “You guys ever do any penis enlargement work?”